In Gossip Girl episode 12: It’s a Wonderful Lie, a fiesty reviewer dishes on Vanessa, Bart, Nate, and poor little rich kid Chuck. Warning: SPOILERS GALORE! xoxo

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Spotted: Little J ditching the raccoon eye shadow and returning to the Humphrey house for Thanksgiving.  Holiday miracles are even possible on Gossip Girl, though another one may be needed to fix Jenny’s unfortunate haircut.  The previous episode also found Bart looking into Lily’s past, Eleanor and Cyrus getting engaged, Nate’s dad turning himself in and Aaron being completely boring.  It’s nice to know Serena can look past Aaron’s charisma-free exterior and scrubby facial hair to see the snooze-inducing artist underneath.

On tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl, somebody gets horribly injured!  Sorry, it’s not Vanessa.

It’s the middle of winter on the Upper East Side, and the Snowflake Ball is the event on everyone’s minds.  B is searching for the perfect date, but of course Chuck thinks all her potential suitors are losers.  While B and C banter, Serena tells Dan that Boring Aaron (Boron) won’t be accompanying her to the ball.  He probably has to head to the 99-cent store to pick up an extra bottle of motor oil for his hair.  It looks like Lonely Boy will have to keep Serena company instead.  Could a rekindled romance be in the works?

Jenny asks Vanessa for help reorganizing Rufus’s records.  It’s not only a friendly gesture, but J’s futile attempt to avoid thinking about her career issues and Nate drama.  V, who is suddenly more devious than ever, somehow forgets to mention the letter she stole on Thanksgiving.  She also chooses not to open up about her daily make-out sessions with Nate, though they don’t stay hidden for long.  A nosy onlooker snaps a photo of the couple kissing on the street, and it’s only a matter of minutes before Jenny sees it on Gossip Girl.  Vanessa is so much more fun when she’s being a lying hussy.  I suggest she slut it up more often.

Lily tells Rufus that she’s been avoiding Bart since learning of his Nancy Drew activities.  Nobody likes a snoop, even if the actor playing that snoop once starred as Robocop.  Bart corners Lily on the street and tries to apologize for his deceitful ways, but she’s going to have to think things over before she forgives him.

A member of the Constance Billiard girl mafia, or the Billiard Bitches as I like to call them, asks Jenny to design her a dress for the ball.  Jenny agrees, and also has a bit of an epiphany after a tense confrontation with Vanessa.  With encouragement from the Billiard Bitches, J decides to make V a very special dress for the Snowflake Ball.  Vanessa thinks Jenny is trying to be kind and make peace, but Little J has an evil trick up her sleeve.  She’s going to make Vanessa regret the day she stole Nate and his impressive man-bangs.

Much to Serena’s dismay, Boron’s ex, Lexi, is in town, and she’s just as annoying as he is.  Instead of being a soul-sucking void of charisma like Aaron, she’s overly peppy and confrontational.  In other words, she’s perfect for Dan.   They flirt a bit at the gallery while Serena convinces Aaron to take her to the dance, and eventually the two couples decide to make it a double date.  S and D constantly remind me why it’s a bad idea to stay friends with an ex.  It only leads to awkwardness.

Speaking of bad ideas, Chuck and Blair make a deal to choose each other’s dates for the ball.  Do they really know what the other secretly desires, or will they fail miserably at choosing potential love interests?  To make the bet fair, the duo sweeten the pot.  Blair will get to use Chuck’s limo for a month if he actually likes who she chooses, and he’ll get to borrow Dorota if B’s date goes well.  Poor Dorota may end up polishing Chuck’s shoes for a month. . .or something else.

After Boron tells Serena that Lexi is a slut who always puts out when she first meets a guy, S starts to feel weird about the double date.  She rants to B about how Dan is going to be seduced by a stranger, but Blair is more interested in the fact that Serena has yet to have sex with Aaron.  Maybe she’s repulsed by his terrible facial hair?  Either that or she’s afraid he’ll bore her to death in the middle of the act.  Despite these sensible fears, Serena later tells Aaron that she’s ready to give it up after the ball.

B tasks Dorota to find the perfect date for Chuck, but the maid’s Facebook groups fail to turn up any viable candidates.  I wonder if the fictional Dorota has a real Facebook profile out there somewhere.  While Blair threatens to bludgeon the help with a Fendi bag, Lily decides to forgive Bart long enough to attend the Snowflake Ball with him.  She calls to let him know, but cancels her plan when she finds out he’s in a meeting with his PI.  It looks like Bart hasn’t stopped snooping after all.

t’s time for the Snowflake Ball!  Vanessa ( arrives wearing the dress Jenny designed for her, Lily shows up without Bart, and Blair and Chuck come with their doppelgangers.  The people they found to be each other’s dates are basically lesser versions of themselves, as if One Tree Hill’s Lucas Scott cast them to be in Gossip Girl: The Movie, directed by James Van Der Beek.  The doppelgangers end up ditching the duo to make out in the corner, proving that the C-list versions of Blair and Chuck get more action than the A-list variety.

Serena and Dan share a dance at the ball while Aaron spends time with his ex.  They share an awkward conversation (do they ever have any other kind?) about their upcoming sexual adventures, but Dan’s enthusiasm at bedding Lexi only upsets Serena.  Again, this is why you shouldn’t be friends with an ex.  While S storms off to wash the icky idea of Dexi sex from her brain, Vanessa tells Jenny that she’s going to end things with Nate.  V approaches N and admits to stealing the letter, saying she feels absolutely terrible for coming between him and Jenny.  J starts to feel bad about her evil scheme with the dress, but it’s too late to stop her master plan.  As Vanessa walks through the middle of the room, someone shines a spotlight directly on her, revealing that her outfit is see-through.  As everyone laughs at Vanessa for flashing her bits in public, Nate tells J that he’s appalled by her actions.

Lily pulls Rufus aside at the ball and reveals that she plans to leave her husband.  They share a touching moment where Rufus admits that he regrets letting her go, but unfortunately Chuck sees the entire thing.  He calls his father in his limo and tells him that Lily is flirting with Rufus yet again.  Bart plans to head to the ball immediately, but first he asks his PI what he discovered about Lily’s time in the sanitarium.

Nate stops Vanessa just as she’s about to hop in a cab to head to Brooklyn.  He must have liked what he saw under the spotlight, because he still wants to be with her regardless of her letter thievery.  They share a kiss while Jenny looks on, feeling sullen as usual.  The Billiard Bitches no longer want anything to do with her, but J vows that she’ll be seeing them again soon.

As Gossip Girl comes to an end, Chuck and Blair share a dance and admit that they’ll never be as openly affectionate as their doppelgangers.  Meanwhile, Dan and Serena part ways to go have sex with other people, and Lily finds out that Bart has been in a horrible accident.  Will he survive next week, or are we destined to be short one Basshole?

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